Caregiver Grief: Sorting Out, Moving On, Remembering

By Monica Dodds



It's a strange feeling, to no longer have the role of caregiver. The death of a parent brings with it a lot of grief, but it also brings a sense of relief. Maybe strangest of all, it gives you so much time. So much time now to do. . . what?

This hasn't been easy. You're to be congratulated. Taking care of a parent till he or she dies is a tremendous accomplishment. Take pride in the areas where you did well but don't get down on yourself about things you wished you had done differently.

Don't get caught in the traps of "What if..." and "I should have..." and "Why didn't I...."

Now there's a feeling of sorting out. Not just your parent's belongings and necessary paperwork, but your own feelings.

In a sense, you've said good-bye to two people. One was the parent who was ill. It's not as hard to let that person move on to a place where there's no suffering.

But you've also had to say good-bye to that healthy person who used to be your parent. Somewhere along the line as you were taking care of your ill parent, that person slipped away. And now that person is gone, too.

It's good not to make any major changes at this time. And there's no reason to rush through cleaning out your parent's belongings either.

Try to respect your parent's wishes, getting mementos to the friends and relatives Mom or Dad wanted them to go to. Seeing to it that this or that item is donated to the charity your parent requested.

As you're sorting these things out, you may just want to sit there for a while. Surrounded by, holding close, the items that belonged to your mother or father. In that setting it may be easier for you to pray for your parent. To pray to your parent.

It's going to take time for you to sort out all the feelings, the emotions, you've experienced as a caregiver and are experiencing as a survivor. And, as time goes by, those emotions will shift. They'll change.

There will come a time -- and there's no need to rush this -- when you'll want to move on. You may want to find a way, a personal ritual, to say good-bye. There's no "right" way of doing this. And not doing it isn't "wrong."

Again, moving on takes time. Just as you probably didn't become a full-blown caregiver overnight, you won't instantly move on to your "new" life or return to you pre-caregiver life.

You had to learn how to be a caregiver. Now you have to learn how to rebuild your personal life without it having that role. That role that dominated your world. Now you may go back to jogging. May return to gardening. May be able to attend your child's soccer games.

May return to the little, ordinary joys that were a part of your life before you became a caregiver. May find new ways to experience that kind of simple joy. The joy of being alive.

In a sense, your life now has two holes. One is in your heart. You miss your mother or father and no one can replace that person. The other is in your calendar. You have so much time, so much free time. That commodity that was so precious and so rare just a little while ago now fills your schedule.

A part of sorting out, a part of moving on, is remembering. Some of those memories might be related to your role as caregiver. A good time, a happy time even, during that difficult period.

Maybe it was when Mom talked about her death and she wasn't afraid. Maybe when Dad made some small joke and you were both so tired it seemed like the funniest line ever said and the two of you laughed until tears streamed down your faces.

Certainly remembering includes the time before your mother or father was ill. Memories from your childhood. Memories of birthday and anniversaries. Memories of telling and retelling family stories.

It can help to remember your parent's "words of wisdom." His or her personal creed or philosophy. Maybe Mom or Dad never even put it into words. Just lived it. Maybe it's something you want to think about for a time to help you get through the hard period following your parent's death. Something, if it's a good fit for you, you want to in some way imitate.

It can also help to remember the times your parent comforted you. Helped you when you were hurting or unsure or restless, when you were discouraged or sad or frightened.

It can help if you sit down, take a deep breath and smile, remembering -- acknowledging -- that as a caregiver you did the same for your mother or father.

And now your parent is at peace.

Monica Dodds began her work with seniors and their families at the Independent Living Program at Catholic Community Services of Seattle/King County.

She was the program coordinator for Northshore Senior Center in Bothell, Wash., and program manager of Meals of Wheels for Seattle/King County. She is a member of the Council on Aging for Snohomish County and chairs its Senior Center Committee.

Monica and her husband, Bill, are the editors of "My Daily Visitor," a devotional magazine published by Our Sunday Visitor. The couple also writes the "Your Family" column, distributed throughout the United States and Canada by Catholic News Service. And they are the authors of the "Family" column in the Knights of Columbus magazine, "Columbia."

Their books include "Caring for Your Aging Parent: A Guide for Catholic Families" (now being revised and updated) and "The Joy of Marriage" (Meadowbrook Press).

Her latest book is "Praying in the Presence of Our Lord with St. Thérèse of Lisieux" (Our Sunday Visitor).

Visit her site at http://www.youragingparent.com



© Spiritual Woman Press, 2005. All rights reserved.