Home
Prayer
Christmas
Discerning the Will of God
Relationships and Family
Finding Meaning in Work
Health and Wellness
Nurturing the Creative Spirit
Spiritual Direction
Profiles in Faith
Book Reviews
Links

Contact Us
Submit an Article

When Mom or Dad Moves In

By Monica Dodds

Having your parent come live with you may be the right move, but that doesn't mean it will be easy for either generation. Being aware of each others feelings and concerns can help make the transition a smooth one. Here are some points to consider:

--The move is stressful for both your parent and you because it's a time charged with emotions.

Your father is grieving not just because he has lost his family home or own apartment, but his way of life. He may have had to say good-bye to his friends, neighborhood and parish.

Then too, the change has more than chipped away at his sense of independence and control. He doesn't have a home anymore. He must accept the fact he's living in his son's or daughter's home.

You may be grieving also. It's hard to watch as a parent's health deteriorates. It's hard to see the family home -- the home of your childhood -- up for sale. It's hard to give up some of your privacy, and ask your spouse and children to do the same, by having someone new move in with you.

The result can be that both of you -- parent and adult child -- feel as if you must tiptoe around the other person, holding in any emotion that might be considered negative. But if this new arrangement is going to work then, like all strong and healthy relationships, it must be based on a loving and respectful honesty and openness. A two-way street of communication willing to accept and give helpful criticism as well as praise.

--Your parent needs to be given as much control of his life, as possible.

Things that might seem trivial to you can be important to your mother. Ask if she would like to move in at the beginning of the month or the 15th. Let her decide how to decorate her room. What color would she like it painted? What material and pattern for the curtains? What furniture and other household items brought with her?

Reducing a houseful of belongings -- collected over a lifetime -- to fit into a single room can be a very difficult task. Be respectful as you help her sort the items out. Old newspapers, trinkets and bric-a-brac might be priceless to her. Treat every item as if it were a treasure. You may need to find more storage space.

Let your parent decide what she will take with her to your house, what she will toss, what she will give to charity, what she will give to family members.

Keep in mind that Mom may want to distribute a good deal of her possessions while she is still alive. She's not being morbid; she just wants to enjoy seeing each person inherit his or her special gift.

--Maybe your parent would like to be given some household duties.

Dad may feel less like a burden and more like a contributing member of the family if he takes his turn drying the dishes or one evening a week oversees a homework session. But don’t expect a built-in baby-sitter. You have to think, if Dad can’t live alone, can he safely watch kids.

--Your parent needs more than food and shelter; your parent needs your emotional support.

Even if Mom was strong and optimistic when she lived on her own, the dramatic change in her life and the host of emotions that comes with that change can easily lead to depression. You need to be available. To realize there is also a time commitment on your part with this arrangement.

Having your parent move into your family home can be a tremendous blessing if each member remembers a home is more than just a house, a family is more than just a group of people living together.

Each member is entitled to a loving and caring environment. That's the goal facing all of you: how -- together -- you can make that happen.

Monica Dodds began her work with seniors and their families at the Independent Living Program at Catholic Community Services of Seattle/King County.

She was the program coordinator for Northshore Senior Center in Bothell, Wash., and program manager of Meals of Wheels for Seattle/King County. She is a member of the Council on Aging for Snohomish County and chairs its Senior Center Committee.

Monica and her husband, Bill, are the editors of "My Daily Visitor," a devotional magazine published by Our Sunday Visitor. The couple also writes the "Your Family" column, distributed throughout the United States and Canada by Catholic News Service. And they are the authors of the "Family" column in the Knights of Columbus magazine, "Columbia."

Their books include "Caring for Your Aging Parent: A Guide for Catholic Families" (now being revised and updated) and "The Joy of Marriage" (Meadowbrook Press).

Her latest book is "Praying in the Presence of Our Lord with St. Thérèse of Lisieux" (Our Sunday Visitor).

Visit her site at http://www.youragingparent.com