Spiritual Woman

It’s A Wonderful Imperfect Life: Daily Encouragement for Women Who Strive Too Hard to Make It Just Right
By Joan C. Webb
Ventura, CA: Regal, 2009

If I had the money, I would buy a copy of “It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life: Devotional Readings for Women Who Strive Too Hard to Make It Just Right” by Joan C. Webb for every woman that I know. We all try so hard to do it all and get so down on ourselves when we discover that simply isn’t possible. Webb offers reassuring words based on scripture and rooted in her own experience to tell us that it is all OK. It is alright to let go of some of the pressure that we put on ourselves.

The 163 one-page devotions are divided into sections focusing on relationships, emotions, bodies, life-work, service, churches, culture, dreams and spirituality. If one particular area is troubling you, you can focus on just that section, or you can read it cover to cover as I did. Each page has something worthwhile to offer. For example, Devotion #1, “Smiling Here,” Webb invites us to recall a time we made a blunder and to laugh about it! As she reminds us, “I goofed. No big deal! It doesn’t make me less valuable.” In Devotion #30, “You Mad at Me?” Webb challenges us to stop taking on other’s moods. Women tend to feel that we are the reason someone else is upset or to feel that we must cure it. “The next time a loved one is in a bad mood and you feel the urge to ‘take it on,’ step back emotionally and ask God for wisdom.” Devotion #151, “Management Contract with God,” reminds us to turn over control of our lives to God. “Working for our ultimate good, He counsels us how to heal past damage, overcome self-defeating habits and experience contentment as we trust him for the future.”

“It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life” has much to offer for any Christian woman trying to do it all. I think it would take a lifetime to learn all these lessons, and even Webb admits she is still working on them, but the ability to pick up this book, take a deep breath, and stop and reflect and let go for a little bit is a great gift!

It is no secret that most Americans do not get enough sleep. We know that sleep is vital to our health, mood, and general ability to function, yet when life gets stressful, sleep is often the first thing to go. Sometimes this is for reasons beyond our control. Most people who have had a baby have had to cope with going through life in a sleep-deprived haze at least for a while. There are times when hormones make sleep a near impossibility, or when the huge amount of things weighing on one’s mind forces one to toss and turn despite one’s best efforts. There are many times, however, when there is no reason for us not getting enough sleep other than we simply choose not to.

We make other things more of a priority. I have heard very busy women say, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” I can sympathize. There does always seem to be more to get done in a given day than hours in that day! As Joan C. Webb writes in “It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life” our inner voice tells us “If I go to sleep, I’ll be wasting time. I should make good use of each minute. . . Your value depends on how well you spend each second. Stay busy. Don’t waste any precious moments. Keep an account of every hour.” I’m sure many of you reading this are nodding in agreement. Especially for mothers who spend so much of their time caring for others, it can seem like those late-night or early-morning hours are the only opportunity to get the other tasks done or to get some much-needed time to care for oneself.

The irony is that getting enough sleep each night will allow us to take care of both ourselves and those we love better. If we can’t get enough sleep at night, it means that something is out of whack in our lives. We need to reduce how much we have on our plates or we need to get a little bit better at asking for help. Maybe we need to simply reduce our expectations of what it means to be a productive person. Webb offers a new mantra to replace the inner voice that keeps driving us to do more: “I’m valuable even when I’m not busy. I can go to sleep at a sensible hour and still be a productive person.” She refers to a quote by from “The Rest of God” by Mark Buchanon, “We give ourselves, regardless of our unfinished business, into God’s care. We sleep simply because we believe God will look after us.” That is so comforting. Yes, God does look after us even when we are sleeping. God wants us to rest in Him and to trust that whatever we do get accomplished in the hours we are awake is enough and is pleasing to Him.

If you are one of the many suffering from a lack of sleep, try going to bed just 15 minutes earlier each night. It is a small step, but it can make a huge difference. Once that becomes comfortable, add another 15 minutes. These simple adjustments can help improve one’s outlook tremendously and help one be more productive with the time one does have during the day.

by Hrvoje Butkovic

When I hear the word abundance, the very sound of it entices me with the promise of a life well worth living. It speaks to me of existence that suffers neither shortage of talent nor the opportunity to express it. It is a dream whose reality helps to unlock the pursuit of other dreams.
In many ways, abundant living is the antithesis of how we have come to experience life. Earning income, protecting and insuring our possessions, keeping an eye out for the latest discounts, strict budgeting so that our daily needs are met, careful planning for our future or perhaps that of our children, and a myriad other similar activities easily overwhelm us and consume a great deal of our time. While we may see them as important – indispensable even – they are nevertheless burdens that we wish we could dispense with.
The promise of abundance is not limited to material aspects of our existence. Abundance of inspiration is a dream-come-true for anyone who wishes to engage in artistic self-expression. Abundance of insight is a prized commodity for anyone who partakes in problem-solving activities. Abundance of love, caring and compassion is an ideal that we strive for; we may even see it as synonymous with human life lived at the height of its potential.
But how do we experience abundance? If the feeling of abundance is what we are after, how do we realise it?
A common approach – one that I have attempted myself – is to try to experience abundance by possessing it. To do so, we accumulate things, the possession of which satisfies our idea of what it means to be abundant. This is a relative concept – how much we need to accumulate is dependent on how much other members of our community or social circle have succeeded in accumulating.
Again this is not limited to material possessions; intangibles are often accumulated just as passionately. This is true of various forms of recognition, such as rewards, accolades and social status. Specialised skills are also sought after and prized in our society. Even basic qualities like patience can be nurtured until they are plentiful.
How effective is this approach in letting us experience abundance?
An honest examination exposes it as a mixed blessing. On the positive side, accumulating material possessions until our basic needs are met goes a long way towards enabling us to live our life in a way that is not burdened by existential concerns. This might not lead to a feeling of abundance, but at least it delivers us from a perpetual reality of scarcity.
We can take this a step further and accumulate material wealth in excess to that of our peers. I have found that this can indeed lead to a sense of abundance. All I need to do is think of the people who are less materially prosperous than me and remind myself of how much more I have than they do, or how much superior my possessions are in terms of quality. The resultant experience is somewhat hazy as it primarily draws on the imagination and visualisation faculties, but it can nevertheless be felt.
On the other hand, this approach requires us to protect the possessions that we have amassed. If our experience of abundance is derived from bountiful possession, then we cannot give it away or risk losing it. We invariably protect it, using law as well as brute strength, and insure it for good measure.
While protection against loss may be aimed at preserving material abundance, it creates an experience that is precisely the opposite. This seemingly paradoxical behaviour unravels itself if we examine the thoughts that give rise to it. When we say that we cannot afford to lose or give away some of our possessions, what we are really saying is that what we have is not enough or barely enough to meet our own needs. This is not a reality of abundance but one of scarcity. As a result, when we resort to protecting our abundance, we don’t experience abundance but a lack of it.
Even though this approach is commonly pursued and may have looked promising at the start, it turned out to suffer from a severe shortcoming. Can it be remedied so that it gives us the desired experience without also giving us its opposite? An examination of an act of giving might prove helpful.
Where I live, I frequently come across people for whom getting by is a daily struggle. Lacking education in an economy that is inundated with unskilled workers, they have little hope of finding employment and are forced to make a living in other ways. Many resort to begging.
A few years ago, I encountered one such person while waiting at a busy intersection. She was elderly – a further disadvantage when seeking employment. Her skin was wrinkled, her face was dirty, her hair was dishevelled and her clothes were old and torn. There was no doubt in my mind that she was struggling to get by and that her livelihood was entirely dependent on the generosity of others. She approached me as I was waiting in the car. There was hope in her eyes, though I could tell that she expected to be dismissed – the treatment that beggars usually received.
Seeing the difficulty of her circumstances, I reached for the money that I had with me and gave some of it to her. It wasn’t much at all, but I could tell from the excited expression on her face and the words of gratitude that it meant the world to her. She was holding material abundance in her hand. By giving it to her, I got to share in her experience.
It was only later when I analysed the encounter that I grasped its significance. By giving her the money, I was effectively making the statement that I had so much that I could afford to give some of it away. It didn’t matter how rich or poor I was relative to my peers, I was able to experience abundance by the simple act of helping to fill the material insufficiency that had dominated her experience up until then.
This experience stood in stark contrast with others, where I had declined to do so. This inaction amounted to the statement that I had so little that I couldn’t afford to share any of it. Again it didn’t matter how rich or poor I was relative to my peers, I experienced poverty by the simple act of holding on to my possessions when I could see that their sharing was desperately needed.
These two were polar opposites on a continuum of experience that was made possible by such circumstances. In addition to experiencing them in their extreme form, I also experienced various combinations of abundance and scarcity. The latter resulted from acting generously while holding on to the thought that I couldn’t really afford to do so.
There was a significant difference between the experience of abundance that accompanied an act of giving and the experience of abundance that was achieved through contemplation of my possessions. The latter was a product of imagination, not unlike picturing what it would be like to put a theoretical concept into practice. The former was a visceral sense of its practical application. It was more intense; in the encounter with the elderly lady, lavishly so.
The insight that I gained was that it is in the giving rather than hoarding that we truly experience abundance. However, we cannot give that which we do not have. This presents us with a paradox – if we are to give, we must also possess, and we aim to possess so that we can give. This doesn’t mean that it is necessary to own material things in order to experience abundance; it is sufficient that we fill the gaps that we find by whatever means we have at our disposal.
Perhaps the most widespread example of how insufficiency can be filled without giving away material possessions is to be found in the domain of skills. They can make use of ordinary items to accomplish extraordinary feats, or simply endow them with extraordinary value.
A block of stone holds little appeal until the inessentials are chipped away by a skilled sculptor. Few people give paints, a brush and an empty canvas a second glance, yet deftly arrange them into a masterpiece and it takes their breath away. Powerful medicine and sophisticated medical equipment make little difference to a sick person on their own, but in the hands of an expert, they acquire life-saving qualities. As is the case with material possessions, it is not in the mastering of skills but in applying them where they are needed that we experience their bounty.
If our goal is to know our abundance intellectually, then accumulating material possessions and mastering prized skills will give us that. However, if our goal is to have a genuine experience of abundance, these things become steps in a larger process. The question then becomes not what skills we have mastered, but what we can do with them; not how much we have come to possess, but how much we can afford to give away.

Hrvoje Butkovic is the author of the book A Glimpse of Another World, which is a social commentary in a science fiction setting. For more information, please visit http://fluffygroovy.com.

Last week I had the pleasure of being part of a panel discussion on beginning homeschooling at the 1st Annual New England Catholic Homeschooling Conference. I have just finished my first year of formal homeschooling my two sons who have successfully completed 2nd and 1st grade. I am hardly what one would consider a homeschooling veteran. Thankfully, the conference had several other speakers with many years of homeschooling experience under their belt. Yet, I felt I did have something to offer this particular group of people I found myself standing in front of. Sometimes when one has been doing something for a long time, one forgets the fear one felt at the beginning. I could recognize and relate to the fear in the eyes in front of me. Hopefully, I helped to allay some of their concerns and helped convince them that they could take on the awesome task of educating their children.

It has been said that homeschooling is a separate call within the call of motherhood. Certainly, not every one is cut out to homeschool and I am very grateful that there are schools. Nevertheless, some women know even before their children are born that homeschooling is what they were meant to do. For others, the call comes later, perhaps out of necessity. Then there are people like me who hear the call, pray about it, and still run in the opposite direction! I first heard the call when my older son was just shy of two years old. I read a homeschooling magazine and was intrigued by this alternate means of education. I would go on to read everything I could get my hands on about homeschooling. I thought it would be such a good fit for us. Nevertheless, I would go on to send both that child and his younger brother to school because I wanted to be “normal.” School was a disaster for them, yet I was still determined to stay the course. God basically needed to smack me over the head to get me to finally heed the call. I received a letter from my son’s first grade teacher last April telling me that there was no way my very anxiety prone son was going to be able to cope with second grade. I had no choice. I had to take the plunge and I was absolutely terrified. Thankfully, I had some friends who homeschooled who greatly helped with that transition with prayer, support and advice.

While certainly not always easy, this past year has been a great gift. We belong to Western Mass Catholic Homeschoolers whom we get together with twice a week. Both my children and I have made great friends. As far as their actual education goes, we completed all the textbooks, something that rarely happens in a traditional educational setting. Perhaps the greatest gift, however, was the gift of time. Our lives were so much more relaxed once school was taken out of the equation. There were no more morning battles. If the children wanted to sleep past 6:15 a.m., this was no longer a big deal. There were no more after school battles regarding homework. No more rushing from school to after school activities. No more struggling to find the time to visit grandparents. No more hearing complaints about how there was no time to play. Homeschooling is very time efficient. Most days, we were done all formal lessons by noon and that was with breaks. Afternoons were spent reading for enjoyment, playing games, and pursuing their individual interests. There was time for frequent play dates with friends. After school activities were no longer a burden. There was plenty of time to spend visiting with other family members, nurturing those relationships.

For people considering homeschooling as a possibility for next year, the strongest argument that I could give them to try it is that they will get to truly enjoy their time with their children. Not only that, but their children will also get to enjoy their time. Time is a gift from God. How we use it matters whether we are 8 or 80. Homeschooling provides the ability to use time more wisely and that is an incredible gift for which I am so very thankful.

It never ceases to amaze me how the Holy Spirit can speak to us if only we are open to it. We might open a book and find just the passage we need to answer a question that has been bothering us or a friend might call at the monent when life is falling apart and offer the encouragement that is desperately needed. Somehow, God provides what we need when we need it. As a former spiritual director of mine was fond of saying, “There are no coincidences, only God-incidences.” I had an experience like that just this past week.

Wednesday morning, I had the strong feeling that I should go to morning Mass. It was 7:50 a.m. My local Church has an 8:15 mass. My children were occupied and my husband was home so I could go; I hadn’t eaten yet so I knew I could go to communion. There was nothing standing in my way, so I decided to heed the call and go. The first reading was from the book of Tobit (Tobit 3:1-11). It told the story of two people begging for death. The first was Tobit who had been blind for four years. He felt like a burden to his family. As Tobit states, “be pleased to take my life from me; so that I may be delivered from earth and become earth again. Better death than life for me, for I have endured groundless insult and am in deepest sorrow.” The second suffering soul was Sarah. She had been married seven times, yet each time her husband died before the marriage could be consummated. For this, she was taunted by her father’s serving girls. She decided that life was no longer worth living. She made the decision to hang herself, but then she thought better of it, knowing that such an action would only bring shame to her father. She decides, “I should do better not to hang myself, but to beg the Lord to let me die and not live to hear any more insults.” Ultimately, the Lord would take pity on both Tobit, who would eventually be healed of his blindness, and Sarah, who would be married to Tobias and live happily with him for many years.

The homily that morning focused on trusting in God even in our darkest hour, trusting that God has a plan that will come to fruition in God’s time, not ours. This was a message I desperately needed to hear. Yes, it is something that I am well aware of, but sometimes one does need a reminder. Both Tobit and Sarah had good reasons for feeling discouraged. As someone who has suffered from depression for over twenty years, discouragement often seems like my constant companion and darkness often prevails. I can be fine for a while, and then I will wake up one morning and feel like I was hit by a two by four during the night. It is like a dark curtain has fallen and life seems meaningless. Anyone who thinks that people choose to be depressed has never truly experienced depression. I have been in that place where I have begged for death more times than I care to admit. As a teenager, I was suicidal. Only my fear of hell kept me alive. As an adult, I have more perspective. I know the curtain will eventually lift, although sometimes it can take months. I have learned how to function in spite of my feelings so that even those closest to me are unaware of what I am going through. Only my faith carries me through until the light eventually comes again. Yes, I know what it is to suffer in the darkness and throw myself on God’s mercy. This message of trusting in God was one that I needed to be reminded of. I need to believe that God has a plan. The Holy Spirit reached out and spoke to me through the darkness. For that, I am incredibly grateful.

Galatians 5:22-23 lists the fruits of the Holy Spirit. These include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control. It seems that as mothers, we can use an extra helping of each of these.

Dear Holy Spirit,

Please help me to love my children even when it is hard: when it is 2 a.m. and the baby is crying, or the two-year old is having a tantrum, when the six-year old is telling me he hates me, or when the teenager has just slammed the door for the 167th time.

Please help me to have joy in the little moments. Please help me to appreciate the smiles and fun that my children have, to rejoice in the small gifts that come my day amidst the hard work of parenting.

Please grant me the gift of peace, peace in my heart even when the whole world around me seems to be in turmoil. Help me extend that peace to my children so that they can grow up knowing that peace, not violence, is the answer.

Please help me to have patience, patience, and more patience. I can always use more! And when that supply is used up, please help me to find just a little bit extra.

Please help me to treat my children, and all those whom I meet, with kindness. Let my children know by my example that kindness can change the world.

Please help me to be good. My children’s eyes are always upon me, and my actions speak much louder than my words. Help me to be a good example to help them learn how to live.

Please grant me the gift of trustfulness. Help me to be a person of my word, to say what I mean and mean what I say. Help me to honor my commitments and keep my children’s confidences.

Please help me to be gentle with my children’s hearts. Help me to remember what it was like to be a child. Help me to offer all the support and healing to them that I can.

Lastly, please assist me with my self-control. Help me to keep my desires and weaknesses in check. Help me to put my children first. Help me to be the best mom that I can be.

I ask this through the Father and the Son and the Holy Sprit. Amen.

Keeping the Faith: Prayers for College Students

by Kerry Weber
Twenty-Third Publications, 2009

Kerry Weber, a graduate of Providence College who recently received her master’s degree in Journalism from Columbia University, has written a new prayer book designed for college students. As an R.A. in college, she witnessed many of the struggles that college students face, and she addressed these topics in these prayers. While she deals with the expected topics of stress and studies and friends, she does not shy away from difficult topics such as suicide, sexual assault and self-mutilation. Her goal in writing this was to help college students maintain their connection to God.

Fr. David Powers of the Piarist Fathers was the missionary priest who spoke at my home parish this past weekend. He is a home missionary, meaning that he works right here in the United States. He is based in the Appalachian region of Kentucky where he teaches at a free Catholic high school. He was a dynamic speaker who spoke on the power of prayer as well as on the extreme need of the people he ministers to. He also shared a bit about his order and its founder, St. Joseph Calasanz.

St. Joseph Calasanz was born in Spain in 1556. He was ordained a priest in 1583 and moved to Rome in 1592. There he became very concerned with the plight of the poor children there. He and two other priests decided to open a free school to educate them. This school opened in 1597 and stressed piety and learning. It is believed to be the first free school opened in Europe and the first modern Elementary school. Pope Clement VIII gave his support did the school which led to the opening of other schools and more men being attracted to the work of Calasanz. In 1621 the community known as the Clerks Regular of Religious Schools (also known as Piarists or Scolopi) was recognized.

Calasanz faced much opposition. Some didn’t approve of education for the poor, believing that this education would cause them to become dissatisfied with their position in society and lead to upheaval. Others were upset that some of the Piarists studied with Galileo, whose work was condemned by the Church. Calasanz and the order were investigated by papal commissions. As a result, Calasanz was demoted and the Piarists were suppressed. Only after his death was the community formally recognized.

St. Joseph Calsanz never wavered in his trust in God and submitted to Church authority even when all seemed lost. He always put the education of young people first. The following excerpt from his writings demonstrates the high value he placed on teaching:

All who undertake to teach must be endowed with deep love, the greatest of patience, and, most of all, profound humility. They must perform their work with earnest zeal. Then, through their humble prayers, the Lord will find them worthy to become fellow workers with him in the cause of truth. He will console them in the fulfillment of this most noble duty, and finally, will enrich them with the gift of heaven.

As Scripture says, “Those who instruct many in justice will shine as stars for all eternity.” They will attain this more easily if they make a covenant of perpetual obedience and strive to cling to Christ and please him alone, because, in his words, “What you did to one of the least of my brethren, you did to me.”

His reputation was eventually redeemed. He was beatified on August 7, 1748 and canonized on July 16, 1767. His feast day is August 25. He is the patron saint of Christian schools. To support the Piarist Fathers’ work in Appalachia, donations may be sent to The Piarist Mission; Rt. 80, Box 870; Martin, KY 41649.

The Pastoral Minister at my parish used this prayer to open our Parish Council meeting on Monday night. It is attributed to Oscar Romero, but he borrowed it from Cardinal Deardon who received it from Bishop Kenneth Untner. Regardless of its origin, there is a great deal of wisdom here.

It helps, now and then, to step back
and take the long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of
the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.
Nothing we do is complete,
which is another way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.

No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No programme accomplishes the church’s mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about:
We plant seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces effects beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything
and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for God’s grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results,
but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders,
ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.

We Catholics can sometimes take ourselves a little too seriously. God has a sense of humor, however, and so should we. Susie Lloyd will have mothers, especially homeschooling mothers, laughing out loud with her latest offering “Bless Me, Father, For I Have Kids” (Sophia Institute Press, 2009). Susie Lloyd is a forty-something homeschooling mother of seven and a member of the Byzantine rite.

Each of the chapters of “Bless Me, Father, For I Have Kids” can stand alone as a quick humor break. Lloyd tackles many topics that will have seasoned mothers nodding, saying “Oh, yes, I have been there!” Who among us hasn’t been covered in vomit, struggled to keep children quiet in Mass, endured a road trip, faced the home haircuts vs. going to the barbers conundrum, or dealt with music lessons? For those who homeschool (which, one has to admit, makes life even more interesting!), there are even more things to laugh about. I brought this book to my homeschooling group and read a passage out loud because I thought it was so good. I plan to share this book with them so that it can make the rounds and they can all enjoy it.

Some of the funniest parts of this book concern what the world thinks of homeschooling moms as opposed to the reality which only fellow homeschoolers can fully appreciate. In her chapter, “It’s a Nerd! It’s a Saint! It’s Supermom!” Lloyd reflects on how others used to view homeschoolers with suspicion. Now, however, “the American public has changed its collective mind. It now thinks that homeschoolers can indeed do it, and do it well. All of it. We know because it exclaims, ‘How do you do it all?!’” She then goes on to explain how she uses triage as a management technique. She tells how she once asked one “put-together” homeschooling mother she knows how she did it all, and they mentioned something about a “schedule.” Lloyd responds, “I was going to look it up, but I couldn’t find a dictionary. Weeks later it turned up in a foxhole in one of the girls’ rooms. . . .If friends such as the family just mentioned drop by (which they rarely do because it’s not on the schedule), it is best to focus on the point of entry. Do not attack the guests. Attack the clutter.” Yes, I can relate!

Her chapter, “Homeschool Unceasingly” contrasts what the world thinks homeschooling looks like versus life in her home. Most people think of homeschooling in terms of the only model of education that they know – the classroom.

Let’s see, according to this picture, we should have one large blackboard, one overhead projector, and several assorted classroom-size pets: goldfish, salamanders, and possibly a tarantula. For décor, we have various instructional posters, such as an ABC scroll . . .A bell goes off at 8:30 a.m., at which time all normal family activities cease. . .Students then file in punctually for the raising of the flag (you will need a cathedral ceiling) and the Pledge of Allegiance. School commences. Each student (in uniform) sits at a little desk. . . .When he wants to speak, a student must raise his hand, even if he is the only one in the class. (If he gets the answer wrong, he snickers and whispers ‘duh’ to himself. If he gets in right, he secretly envies himself and hits himself in the back of the head with a spitball.) If it were really like this, I wouldn’t blame the neighbors for calling in an exorcist.

“Bless Me, Father, For I Have Kids” is a hit. I recommend it for anyone who wants to have a little fun laughing about this vocation of Catholic motherhood.

This review was written as part of the Catholic book Reviewer program from The Catholic Company. Visit The Catholic Company to find more information on Bless Me, Father, For I Have Kids.